“I’d rather have peace than passion."
Walking through a local farmer’s market with my 14-year-old-daughter last weekend, admiring all the handcrafted offerings and unusual food stuffs exciting our senses, I mentioned to her how there is someone for everyone, no matter how unique looking or behaving they are.
The wide range of available produce had brought our attention to the wide range of people perusing it all. And I mentioned that although I believe there is someone for everyone—but that we have to know and love ourselves before they show up—a lot of people give up on that search a long time before finding them.
Instead of their ‘One True Love’, I told her, a lot of people settle for their ‘You’ll Do For Now Until Someone Better Comes Along'. But then no one better ever comes along.
I was kind of joking. Kind of not.
Because in my observations as a self-confessed romantic, and in my more objective analysis of the patterns my coaching clients present, I know it’s true: most people settle.
And they’ll tell you too. Straight up:
“Relationships aren’t like they are in the movies, you know.”
“Marriage is more partnership than passion.”
“At least I’m not alone.”
And while any of us who’ve been in a relationship for longer than six months can attest to the fact that the Honeymoon period definitely has a limited timespan, there is also part of us that calls BS on the ‘Honeymoon is over’, baby mindset.
That part is The Lover within.
This archetype is an aspect of your psychological whole which is all about the love. The Lover is all about keeping passion alive and that means keeping things spontaneous, keeping things present; keeping things real too.
When healthy and expressed in full alignment The Lover uses honesty and an appreciation of authentic needs to make sure we act in truly loving ways, feel loved, and so experience love on the daily.
But when The Lover is overcome by the shadow expression of itself then love isn’t such a priority. Self-pity, limitation and lack take over. The unexpressed need for love turns in upon itself and, basically, gives up.
"He's a good provider."
"I've made my peace with it."
"I stopped expecting fireworks a long time ago."
I've sat across from hundreds of women and heard this exact pattern repeat. I’ve coached women through exactly this moment, and I've heard this same sentence, in a dozen different voices, more times than I can count.
What happens when The Lover within settles?
If you catch yourself saying “This is probably as good as it gets” — that's not acceptance. That's your Lover shadow settling for safety over love.
"I don't need romance anymore” isn't peace. That's your Lover shadow protecting you from being hurt again.
"This is what love looks like after 40” isn’t a fact or wisdom—it’s a a cry from The Lover within for attention; attention from YOU.
Because your coach, or therapist or counsellor or even your friend might be able to hear the battle going on within but until YOU can hear it, until you are aware that The Lover shadow is seeking the light, your self-fulfilling prophecy of “It could be worse” will likely come true.
It will get worse.
Until it gets better.
And that happens when you listen to the language of your inner selves, your archetypes. That happens when you pay attention to the reality you aren’t describing so much as you are CREATING with your words.
So if you want to feel more love, start speaking love to life. Cast spells of love with your words. Ask The Lover within if she could experience the liberating, exciting and fulfilling love of her life time yet, what would she say to that?
Yes! Yes!! And Yes!!! Surely.
But if not, then maybe it’s okay to let The Lover sleep. Let the passions fade. Let the life slip out of your relationship.
As long as you recognise that the relationship where all life lives is never outside of you. It is the relationship you have with yourself.
And The Lover is part of you.
Part of you that needs love too.
As the father of three daughters, this isn't abstract to me — I don't want any of them mistaking resignation for peace.
I want them to experience the thrill, excitement and vulnerability that The Lover thrives on.
I want them to keep that part of them alive, well and thriving for their whole lives. And maybe one day in the far future they’ll be smiling, sitting on a rocking chair with a crocheted rug on their knobbly knees, looking back on their forties, fifties, sixties and seventies as a time of such deep love that they realise in their teens, twenties and thirties they were just getting started.
And my wish for them is they might even say…
“All love is a gift, including the love I give myself today.”
Ben Grant Mitchell
Author of Your Word Is Law
Founder, Grant Empowerment
Creator of the Leadership Language Audit™, P.A.T.H. Coaching™ and B.A.M. Coaching™
PS. Get to know The Lover within and every one of the 12 archetypes including The Warrior, The Caregiver, The Creator and more when you join my exclusive 12 week program starting soon: https://grant-empowerment.com/author-your-life-archetype-certification/
Strictly limited to the first 12 to apply.